Co-authored with Alison Pilling
Not getting an erection or losing an erection during intimacy is for many men pretty much up there with losing your job or getting a divorce: it can be devastating! Through my work, I meet a lot of men who feel devastated by this problem.
In my experience, there are two groups of men affected by soft c*ck: soft c*cks that can become hard again through therapeutic activities and soft c*cks that will always be soft c*cks.
Soft c*cks that could become hard again: If you are waking in the night with erections or morning wood, the chances are that you are experiencing a temporary blip. The causes could be a mind / body interference to erections. Which could be because of fading confidence, not feeling connected to the person or people you are with, embodied trauma, the absence of safety, feeling fear, embarrassment or shame or pressure to perform or something similar. These causes can usually be addressed through talking therapy or something like the Mindful Masturbation Coaching or The S*xual Empowerment Programme
For soft c*cks that will always be soft c*cks. These are usually caused by age or medical reasons including prostate issues, diabetes, heart disease, raised or lower blood pressure, and a whole host of medications. Smoking and excessive alcohol can also lead to long-term soft c*cks. Here there is little hope to regain full hard and sustainable erections. The options are for medical intervention and pharmaceuticals. These can be pretty radical approaches that for some work well but may not suit everybody. Another option is to seek support to accept the situation. And from this acceptance other opportunities become available; to not to give up on sensuality and intimacy all together but to adapt. A Tantric Massage, or a Bespoke Power Sessions are all places to explore acceptance and the possibilities for pleasure.
My friend and colleague Alison Pilling wants to remind us of the bigger picture of intimacy and where penis in vagina (PIV) s*x fits into the picture in our natural and inevitable aging. Of course we want eternal youth but that ain’t happening. So there’s an invitation here to get real!
The idea of a hard ramming c*ck makes prisoners of us all. Given that it’s estimated that 70% of women don’t experience vaginal orgasm anyway, emotional connection and sensuality are what truly helps relationships transition from the vigour of youth to an increasingly satisfying place of relaxed arousal and gentle loving exploration of maturity.
This allows us to take the pressure off ourselves and others by discovering a new way of being and relating, which may or may not include PIV s*x. We’ve all had moments when that’s been what we wanted but when men are judging themselves by that standard, given that so few women have real pleasure through fast friction, isn’t it becoming a completely outdated model? Especially if expectations of fast and furious friction, leaves men with a lack of confidence and women with a lack of desire. If your soft c*ck doesn’t allow that then maybe it’s time to let go of such an impossible outcome?
Taking into consideration that for every man with ED there’s a woman struggling with the symptoms of menopause which can include fear of painful s*x and or vaginal atrophy, we need to be in this reframe together. Aging can be so cruel and yet it’s a chance to be kind and to rethink intimacy. Imagine if women are thinking that if s*x means they’re going to get a hard c*ck ramming them, or that they have to deal with your existential angst and struggles to ‘perform’, they may also be imagining boredom or pain. So it’s no wonder that your partner might have switched off? There’s a sadness and a paucity in clinging to the notion of PIV as a primary route to pleasure; the old model is broken.
The sensuality in connection that can come when the focus is moved away from the genitals, is off the scale. So it’s about reframing expectation, especially in middle age and onwards, when soft c*cks will happen more regularly. A refocus on intimacy, honest connection and relaxed attitude to pleasure is going to serve you well. And this involves rethinking s*x as you know it. It’s a liberation and it’s a time of brave discovery.
I hope you might be beginning to see that it’s time to rethink pleasure and intimacy. I can help you move away from old habits, expectations, disappointment, frustration and self-criticism into a place of renewed hope, confidence. To build a trust in yourself and your body as a source of energy and pleasure. By learning new skills, expectations and openness, there’s an erotic and personal freedom in finding new options for sensuality, new ways to become a more attentive and better lover.
The door is open to new life, love and possibility. Will you walk through it?