The 7 letter word on everybody’s lips

To celebrate #IDoC 2021 here are a few words about consent:

Is consent any more complex than a simple yes or no?

At its most basic level consent works like this: ‘would you like a cup of tea?’

 ‘yes’ or ‘no’.  

But beyond this basic everyday stuff, understanding what they really want – and what we really want can be tricky!

And it’s tricky because we have all needs, things that we want to experience, that is the human condition to want and need things. The need to eat for nourishment, the need for shelter, for comfort, for learning, for growth, for touch, for intimacy. These needs are intrinsic to being human. And these needs all originate from the body. However throughout our upbringing, we are socialised out of listening to our needs, it starts when we are born – we have to have our nappy changed whether we want it or not – we are often made to go to school when we want to stay home or to go along with what the workplace demands and partners want and what advertising tells us we want.

And so most of us are used to the needs of others coming first. Sometimes this makes sense, parents would be neglectful if they left you in a nappy too long and chaos would ensue if workers were free to come and go as they please. So some putting aside our needs is important. Most of us however, because we don’t always have a full understanding of our own deeper needs and because we don’t always know how to say no to what other people want and because other people are not clear either - we cannot be fully in touch with our own body. Instead, we second guess them or we don’t ask for what we want.

So how can we hope to know whether there is full and true consent?

First we must understand what our own true needs are. Some of us can be very clear in many areas of our lives on what we do and don’t need and want, so It’s not like we don’t have minds of our own. We are however surrounded, from birth, by messages that what we want, what we need doesn’t matter, we’ve become used to putting other people’s needs first and so most of us struggle when it comes to sex and intimacy.

So is it just about a case of knowing our needs?

To a degree yes. Most of us don’t really have a handle on what our true needs are, because they are buried and then even if or when we do, most of us don’t have the skills to talk about our needs in a clear and clean way in order to get them met. Sound familiar? It sure does for me. Until I started this career, I really didn’t know about consent and boundaries and how to keep myself safe in intimacy or to get my needs met, I didn’t even know I had needs!

Once I got more in touch with my body's wisdom, understood and trusted the true needs of my body, and learned to trust and value them, I found ways to communicate them clearly. Not only does this give me clear choices now, it makes it easier for other people to understand what I want – they don’t have to second guess me anymore. And it helped me to understand more about the needs of others. This is where I found consent is at its easiest and best and sooo much fun! Would this be helpful for you too?

Want to get more info?

The Wheel of Consent (WoC) is probably the best tool for unpicking, understanding and changing your current dynamics of consent.

Originally created by Betty Martin, who has recently published her book The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent, the School of Consent is the home of online resources including a list of workshops held online and in person and a list of approved facilitators.

I had the good fortune to train with Betty Martin and Robyn Dalzen - it was so good that I did it twice! And I offer WoC as part of my programmes or if you want to explore this specifically, we can arrange a custom session for you. Click here to book in a consultation call for more info.

You never forget your first time!

I was so nervous but I’m glad that I found the courage to record my first ever podcast. Being interviewed by the calm and collected #IDoC founder, activist and local artist Jenny Wilson, I felt a little calmer. you can listen to that Podcast, and read the full transcript, here.