There’s a lot of stigma around men admitting that they are or have been, in an abusive relationship. What gets most often reported in the media is male-on-female abuse, but what’s rarely talked about is relationships where men are abused by their partner. This silence simply perpetuates the stigma that surrounds men who often don’t recognise abuse or feel trapped in toxic relationships.
Physical violence is just one type of abuse, sometimes it is economic, or verbal. Or it might be threats to take the children away, attempts to isolate you from friends and family, or making accusations of abuse against you. These are what we call relationship red flags; behaviours which indicate that some abuse is happening.
Identify Red and Yellow flags in a relationship
Sometimes it can an accumulation of many smaller incidents that add up, a gradual chipping away at a man’s self-esteem. Alan shares his experience “it happened so slowly that I didn’t even notice it – until one day I realised that I was a shadow of who I used to be.” Alan explains why doing something about it was so challenging “I couldn’t tell my friends and family. Nobody wants to admit that they are a man getting abused by a woman; there’s too much stigma around it. Even now, It’s still not OK to say that kind of thing.”
Ryan described how a long friendship became a romance that quickly turned sour. “There was always an issue, she always had an injustice in the world to fight whereas I was very much chilled. She would get triggered by something on the TV, get really angry and it quickly got to the point where she would just start throwing things at me. Before long it got physical.
D was in a relationship with a woman with borderline personality disorder (BPD). “We shared some beautiful times and there was a lot of manipulation for attention, verbal abuse, physical pushing and shoving trying to provoke me into action. There was lots of beauty and magic and love and then the other extreme of horror.”
Are you in an abusive relationship?
Leaving an abusive relationship
Ryan reached out to a close friend who helped him to get out. “I had to edge my way out of there, he met me at the tube station. I was devastated.” His ex-partner continued to abuse Ryan after he left “she would just pop up at gigs and where we were eating, shouting things at me. I ended up leaving the city, I had to disappear from my friends, leave all of the arts and culture I was involved in behind.”
D was clear that he could have ended the relationship earlier but when he did it was very difficult, “she made threats of suicide and murder – every manipulation technique in the book. Eventually, she went quiet. And then a year later she reported me to the police for abuse and I was arrested. It was horrific I had several months where every area of my life was examined, eventually the authorities agreed that it was a revenge vendetta and threw the case out. She still tries it now and again. It’s been going on since 2013.”
Both Ryan and Alan are clear that these abuses have affected their confidence. Ryan says he is careful about meeting new people and that he is afraid of any kind of touch now. “I wish I had protected myself a little bit more, watched out for red flags.”
Recovery after abuse
The thing about abuse is that it makes you feel ashamed, alone and isolated. like you are suffering this all by yourself and powerless. Here are some of the ways men can reclaim the personal power that is often lost during the abuse.
Seek support: from family and friends, talk to your employer, seek legal and professional advice or medical advice and find an appropriate men’s group (see below).
Talk about it: which helps the thoughts and feelings out, to externalise them. Otherwise they get stuck in your body, and you carry them with you. Speaking out about this issue can help other men who may be in similar situations, to also reach out and find ways into recovery. And it helps to break the stigma of abuse against men.
Is a man you know experiencing abuse at home?
Find a therapist:. D found seeing a therapist helped him enormously. “Therapy is the one place where you can talk about anything, even your deepest darkest secrets that nobody else ever has to know. Therapy can provide that space to hear the horrors that you can’t speak anywhere else. If we hurt our foot – we go to the chiropodist, if we are sick – we go to the doctors, if we have toothache – we go to the dentists, and if we have any kind of mental struggle – then go to a therapist.”
Use resources: If you or someone you know is affected by abuse, do what you can to end the suffering. Reach out to me for support, forward this article to someone you know, or take a look at some of these resources.
- The Men’s Advice Line run by Respect is a confidential helpline specifically for male victims. 0808 801 0327 info@mensadviceline.org.uk
- Bright Sky app: Bright Sky is a mobile app and website for anyone experiencing domestic abuse, or who is worried about someone else. Free from the app stores.
- The National Domestic Abuse Helpline offers free, confidential advice, 24 hours a day on 0808 2000 247.
- Check here for more sources of support including how to check if someone has an abusive past or what to do if you suspect someone else is a victim of abuse.