The September 4th World S*xual Health Day campaign this year, focusses on consent. Their messaging is important and clear, but I find it a bit one sided, limited and finger wagging like; ‘you should know when no is a no, and yes is a yes’.
And my god, if only it were that simple! This oversimplified approach can just make us feel bad for the times when we didn’t get it right. In my everyday mind, and probably in yours too, we can tell the difference between a ‘yes’ and a ‘no’. But if my mind is in an altered state, like when arousal is present, or drugs or alcohol, or if there is peer pressure or expectations, or if my body is saying one thing, my heart is saying another and my head is saying something else, then I might well step over my own boundaries or someone else’s and step out of consent.
We are all human, and very few of us intend harm in our connections and relationships; most consent violations are accidental.
So what about when I have a ‘maybe’? or I don’t know what I want or I’m unsure of what to do. In the past, I would have struggled with the not knowing and then given someone else the decision to make for me, sometimes regretting it later. So how can I be sure that someone else isn’t doing the same thing to please me, or are under the influence, or don’t know what else to do?
These are the grey areas most of us live in; somewhere between the ‘yes’ and the ‘no’.
The World Association for Sexual Health say that consent is permission, but it is so much more nuanced that this.
The traditional gatekeeper model of consent is where you have something that I want. And I have to find a way to get it from you; you are the gatekeeper. That’s the traditional way we do things, where the definitive and static ‘yes’ and ‘no’ exists. It’s not a successful model but that’s what we are used to right?
There is a better way…
Agreed consent: is, I want this thing from you, so I make a clean request. Then you and I use honest language to negotiate what each of us wants in that moment, and remaining open and flexible as to when that might change. This is where we get into the deliciousness of boundaries and limits. And enables each of us to relax into trust, safety, pleasure and joy.
It sounds like a faff but trust me; when I know that this is what you and I both want, we have agreed what will and won’t happen and are open to that changing, it opens up adventures, tenderness, freedoms and edges to explore, that would never have been there before!
So yes, consent IS more complex than ‘yes’ or ‘no’. It can be subtle and nuanced, slow and sensual, fast and hot, and it can be vibrant and ecstatic! And just like anything else worthy of your time, attention and energy, it can be as s*xy as hell!
We cover more in our 3-day clothes on, mixed gender event on the 22nd, 23rd and 24th September in Salford: Consensual Connection with the Wheel of Consent®. Watch the video below to find out more.
Book Here
Arrange a 1-to-1 call with me about the event Here